" SPETZNAZ " (Russian Special Forces)    

Welcome to the Terror of the Eastern Bloc Roller Hockey Under-World !!!!!

Now that the COLD WAR has ended, atleast for the time being, the Kremlin has instructed its premium 14u Roller Hockey Super Stars to travel abroad and wreak havoc in the West.  The names on the roster have been changed to protect the families which remain in Chelyabinsk.

Chelyabinsk, Russia April 20:  Once again the towns people awoke to the cries of "Victory" as word spread quickly of the 9-4 win at the Ice gardens in Maryland USA.  The parents of Comrades Burrus (2 goals), Kevin Meiers (2 goals), Hall (1 goal), Geis (1 goal), Radley (1 goal), Harclerode (1 goal) and Billy Meiers (1 goal) will again get a day out of the salt mines to celebrate the victory. Babushka Meiers wept at the news of the victory and was seen showing baby pictures of her grandsons before they became the Siberian superstars. In an early morning press conference Mayor Krachnokov praised the young Spetznaz players and promised to support the team as long as they win. "Coach Lynchkov will be receiving another 4-door Lada and may be eligible for upgraded housing upon his return to the Motherland" the Mayor was heard saying after the conference.

Ironic? or Strategic?

Washington DC April 24: While NATO was resuming its discussions on the Kosovo situation Russian Special Forces (Spetznaz) landed wheel force troops just 20 miles north in the town of Laurel, Maryland. Commander Lynchkov reported no casualties in the 2 day skirmish and was quoted as saying " We may not have won the war but in the battles we were victorious". The Spetznaz 14u tied "Team Extreme" 3-3, stomped "Checkers" (no not Nixons dog) in an 8-0 mercy beating and went on to a couple close losses to the "Maple Leafs". The Spetznaz retreated on April 25th and are expected to advance again in an undisclosed USA location in May. 

Moscow Russia April 26:  In a move to sway public opinion after last weekends invasion in Maryland the Lower house of DUMA has recently authorized General Harclerodski, of the 3rd submarine division in the Barent Sea, to oversee and report back any rumors about Spetznaz 14u coach Igor Lynchkov. In a recent poll taken on the Government website, SPUTNIKNET, Lynchkovs approval rating topped 90% compared to Yeltsins 10%. " This is just the brink of an attempt to gain seats in next years election" an unknown rollerhockey source said. "In up coming games we'll be shaking up the clandestine groups who are behind this" a known source shouted in an afternoon rally at Lenins tomb. Neither Harclerodski nor Lynchkov were available for comment.

Laurel Maryland USA April 28:  Spetznaz 14u wins in a narrow 14-0 margin against the Vikings. "If it wasn't for the 14 goals and Spetznaz goalie Lynch's saves we would have tied the game" said a Vikings fan. The game was touch and goal for the Russians who felt constant pressure from Coach Vladimir Harclerodski throughout the night. Harclerodski later accepted the win as being his. " The players only did what I told them and nothing more" Harclerodski announced shortly after the Russian Anthem had ended. Harclerodski commended Comrades Matt Lynch (2 goals,5 assists), Giesecke (4 goals, 5 assists), Billy Meier (1 assist), Kevin Meiers (2 goals, 2 assists), Edmunds (3 goals,1 assist), Burruss (1 goal, 3 assists), Harclerode (1 goal, 1 assist),  Radley (1 goal, 2 assists) and Bryan Lynch (shut-out) for an average performance against the Vikings. Coach Igor Lynchkov was unavailable for comment.

Washington DC May 3:  After a long grueling day of cocktails with President Clinton, Viktor Chernomyrdin made an unscheduled trip to Laurel Maryland to watch the Spetznaz 14u take on the Bayskaters in some of the most exciting rollerhockey this side of the Black Sea. Due to an old war injury Comrade Bryan Lynch, the Spetznaz goalie, was unable to participate in the battle and was replaced by Comrade Babusci. The Bayskaters goalie, Depfer, proved to be a Berlin Wall to the Spetznaz offense as he held back 45 shots to Babusci's 9. Spetznaz Comrade Radley finally broke the ice with a goal 1:43 before the end of the first period which set the stage for 4 additional Spetznaz goals and a 5-1 victory over the Bayskaters. Comrades Geiseke (2 goals), Burrus (1 goal) and Harclerode (1 goal)  were all commended by Chernomyrdin as saving the Motherland's fine rollerhockey presence in the west. At a post game press conference Chernomyrdin chastised Coach Lynchkov and promised him "some hard time in a Cuban asylum if he didn't  take better control of the situation". Coach Harclerodski was available for comment but noone asked him any questions.

Chantilly VA May 6: In a last ditch effort to reform unpopular opinion of Russian rollerhockey in the USA Viktor Cheromyrdin cancelled the Spetznaz 14u vs. Vipers hockey game last night in Laurel Maryland. Spetznaz assistant coach Harclerodski praised the move and was seen on the Russian run CPS nightly news, at game time, holding babies on the tarmac as the Albanian refugees landed at McQuire Air Force Base late yesterday.  When asked for comment Harclerodski replied " This is not the time to conquer another American hockey team when the IMF may soon be releasing money to us.....and the team couldn't beat their way out of a paper bag without my leadership anyway". A spokesman for troubled head coach Lynchkov replied " The mentally ailing Harclerodski has greedily opted for a photo opportunity to gain points with his superiors again". The Russian Roller Hockey Players Union (RRHPU) has filed a formal complaint with the Chelyabinsk Coaches Committee Parliament (CCCP) to investigate allegations from both coaches wives and Babushka Radley. As a protest Comrade Radley changed his number from #6 to #9 representing almost the number of players without any coaches at all.

Leningrad Russia May 24:  To commemorate the anniversary of the Revolution of 1917 (May Day) an honored Soviet custom was replayed early this morning. Igor Lynchkov, formerly of the Spetznaz 14u rollerhockey club, disappeared without a trace. Sources close to the club questioned the timing of the celebratory  Soviet custom occuring just hours after a weekend of foul play at the United States NARCH rollerhockey tournament in Laurel, MD.  An unnamed assistant coach of the Spetznaz was quoted as saying " Igor was a close friend and I am pleased that the team can now get back on track and regain its triumphant name..... if history repeats itself they will no longer have Igor Lynchkov to push around". The players had no comment but several Spetznaz parents were relieved that Igor had left without comment.

Kosovo June 15th: 200 Russian troops holding the airport in Kosovo huddled by their radios last night to listen to the taped broadcast of the final SESARA Championship game between the Spetznaz 14u and the the Warriors at the Laurel Maryland Ice House Arena in the USA. The Russian rollerhockey stars were down 2-6 early in the second period when comrade Harclerode gave a morale boost by scoring a breakaway goal. Comrades Burrus, Giesecke and Colin followed Harclerodes lead and each scored a goal with the latter tying the game with only 1 minute remaining in regulation play. NATO troops nearly attacked the airfield as Russian soldiers began firing their vintage weapons in the air when Comrade Matt Lynch scored the winning goal with only 11 second remaining in the match.  With this final win the Spetznaz 14u was announced "Rollerhockey Champions of the Free World!!" sparking a feeling Russia hasn't felt since Sputnik orbited the Earth with a sedated monkey onboard. As the sun rose over the hills of Kosovo this morning the troops were seen organizing a pick-up game on the runway while awaiting food, water and orders to arrive.

1999 Roster

Coaches:  Igor Lynchkov (politburo alumnus)

Vladimir Harclerodski (KGB-ret)

SESARA Results:

" Spetznaz 14u: 1999 SESARA Champions"

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For a live view of our home arena click here

LOUDOUNSK8  1999

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